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Bill and Melinda Gates are divorcing and we need to know who gets custody of Earth


Bill and Melinda Gates found a cause they can no longer support: their marriage.

After spending the past decade fighting disease and poverty around the world, it seems staying together is more vexing than the eradication of smallpox. So the billionaire philanthropists — they are to charity as the Kardashians are to bikini selfies — are headed to Splitsville.

As a species, we seek logical explanations. If you see a bear riding a unicycle down the street, you will have questions. Think about it. What’s the first thing you say after a friend tells you they are getting a divorce: What happened? Why are you breaking up?

Answers to such questions were not forthcoming this week.

There was no logical explanation. Was Melinda having, I don’t know, a torrid affair with Bono? Is Bill saddled with a debilitating foot fetish? Did the conspiracy theorists who now fear Mr. Gates as the ancient Greeks feared Zeus convince Melinda her husband really is an extraterrestrial on a mission to depopulate Earth and implant tracking devices in “vaccines” that will allow the intergalactic elites to commit genocide via 5G activation in pursuit of the carbon-to-silicon Great Transition that may or may not have something to do with Bitcoin?

It’s not clear. Instead, two of the most consequential people alive released a statement rife with boilerplate bromides. It sounded like it was ghostwritten by Clippy, that old cartoon paper clip assistant in Microsoft Office.

“We have made the decision to end our marriage.”

“We no longer believe we can grow together as a couple in this next phase of our lives.”

“We ask for space and privacy for our family as we begin to navigate this new life.”

First, everything is a decision. Some just have public impacts. Me frying white fish in almond butter last night did not. It was a decision that only affected my children, who thought it was disgusting. Bill and Melinda getting a divorce?

That impacts all of us. That’s why we must reject any request for privacy.

You either tell us why exactly you are breaking up or you catapult back into marriage counselling and livestream it so the hivemind can save your 27-year marriage. Also, what is this silliness about not being able to grow together? Grow up. After about the fifth anniversary, the growing stops. Marriage turns into an evergreen at peak maturity. You give it water and sunshine. You manicure. You pray for no invasive fungus. You learn to sport a grimacing smile when your shortcomings as a soul mate are casually alphabetized twice a week over bagels.

Then you soldier on, Bill and Melinda. You soldier on!

The dissolution of Kimye didn’t mean squat to anyone else.

The end of Billinda? That could impact millions.

The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation is arguably the most crucial philanthropic org in the world. This couple has double-handedly devoted a fortune to literacy, sanitation, maternal health, agriculture, clean water, innovative tech, disease modelling and vaccine development and distribution, including more than $1 billion just to nullify this pandemic.

Clippy said the couple “will continue to work together at the foundation.”

Yeah. FOR NOW. But let’s be honest, they are in the honeymoon phase of separation. Everything is amicable. Their three children are adults, so there is no battle for custody. They have a separation agreement, so there will be no steel cage death matches over money.

For the foundation, FOR NOW, it’s status quo.

But what about the future? Are they really going to co-chair meetings about irrigation canals in Peru and be perfectly civilized to one another if Bill ditches his V-neck pullovers for a leather jacket and, during a late-life crisis, puts his new girlfriend Billie Eilish on the back of his Harley as he rumbles across Route 66 while extolling the virtues of threeways and magic mushrooms? Can the charitable mission endure if Melinda ends up marrying one of Bill’s best friends?

Don’t be ridiculous. And then as the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation gets as buggy as Windows Me and as doomed as Microsoft Zune, the world will look back on 2021 with horror. We should have done more to keep them together. It’s all about the butterfly effect. One day, Melinda was strolling through her 66,000-foot compound that overlooks Lake Washington and snapped because every room was strewn with Bill’s empty Diet Coke cans and then all of a sudden there was a child in Africa deprived of the malaria jab. Is this what you want?

Come on, you two. You were married in 1994, which the United Nations designated the “International Year of the Family.” Think about your New Year’s Day wedding in Hawaii. Think about everything you’ve gone through — from parenthood to antitrust investigations — and think about how much more you can still achieve as a couple.

What’s the problem? Melinda, are you jealous because Bill became a superstar during COVID-19, second only to Dr. Fauci? Bill, are you sick and tired of being told to stop saying “ah” when interviewed on cable news? She’s only pointing this out to help you. Marriage is not supposed to be a dazzling PowerPoint in which the slides change daily.

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It’s more like a boring Excel spreadsheet in search of balance.

I’m not saying you can never get divorced, Bill and Melinda Gates.

I’m just saying wait until all of the world’s problems are solved.



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