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American Airlines Introduces New Nonstop Flights Directly Into Side Of Mountain

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FORT WORTH, TX—In response to skyrocketing consumer demand, American Airlines introduced new nonstop flights directly into the side of a mountain, sources confirmed Thursday. “Beginning this weekend, American Airlines customers will now be able to book convenient one-way trips that will transport them from over 30 U.S. airports into the broad side of a mountain in under two hours,” said American Airlines CEO Robert Isom in a press release unveiling the new destinations, which include Alaska’s Mount Denali, California’s Mount Whitney, Colorado’s Mount Elbert, North Carolina’s Mount Mitchell, and New Hampshire’s Mount Washington. “As consumer tastes change, American Airlines is committed to getting travelers to the places they most want to go, whether that’s heading to Hawaii to slam into the beautiful Mauna Kea, cruising straight for the Cascade Range, or soaring right into the Appalachians. We also encourage customers to upgrade to first class or business class should they want to fly into the side of a mountain a fraction of a second sooner. Passengers will also be happy to hear that these flights are specially outfitted for the trip, from the complete lack of oxygen masks to in-flight televisions that only play the news, so you can remain disgusted at everything right until the last second of your flight. Take the whole family!” Shortly after American Airlines unveiled its new service offerings, Southwest Airlines reportedly introduced a competing slate of flights from over two dozen airports that fly straight up into the sky and never come down.

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