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Californians Explain Why They Oppose Drought Restrictions


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With California facing an unprecedented drought, many cities have imposed strict water usage limits for their residents. The Onion asked Californians how they felt about the restrictions, and this is what they said.

Perry Peterson (Construction Worker)

Perry Peterson (Construction Worker)

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“For reasons I cannot possibly understand, my self-worth is extremely tied up in how well-maintained my lawn appears.”

Mark McCourt (Chef)

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“When I’m out of town, I like to leave my hose on so people still think I’m at home.”

Jenna Padgett (Personal Trainer)

Jenna Padgett (Personal Trainer)

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“I can’t stay hydrated on just 55 gallons of water per day.”

Lois Pham (Glassblower)

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“It’s more that I just don’t think rules should apply to me personally.”

Alice Muñoz (Realtor)

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“As an avid golfer, I’m naturally entitled to 150 acres of lush grass for my ludicrous hobby.”

Elyse Sanchez (ESL Teacher)

Elyse Sanchez (ESL Teacher)

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“In a few years, when my family and I are fighting strangers for some roots we find in the dirt, I want to be able to describe what it felt like to have a really green lawn.”

Annie Weir (Barista)

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“I really wanna see what’s at the bottom of all of our lakes and rivers.”

Jose Harper (Financial Advisor)

Jose Harper (Financial Advisor)

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“Sacrificing my own petty comforts for the survival of the planet is anti-American.”

Tom Hanks (Actor)

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“Nothing stops Tom Hanks from frolicking through his sprinklers. Nothing.”

Dianne Feinstein (Senator)

Dianne Feinstein (Senator)

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“I don’t see what the big issue is. We’ve got enough water to get us through 1975.”

Suresh Reddy (Real Estate Investor)

Suresh Reddy (Real Estate Investor)

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“The restrictions unfairly discriminate against residents with in-home water parks.”

Marques North (Temp)

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“I’m trying to grow one almond.”

Dwyane Wade (Retired Basketball Player)

Dwyane Wade (Retired Basketball Player)

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“I’d like to see you decline an erotic bath with Gabrielle Union. Not so easy, huh?”

Chandan Sampat (Web Designer)

Chandan Sampat (Web Designer)

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“What’s the point of living in the richest country on Earth if you can’t flex on the global poor by wasting drinking water?”

Rick Gompers (Car Dealership Owner)

Rick Gompers (Car Dealership Owner)

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“I like to refill my puddles with fresh water daily, whether it’s rained or not.”

Paul Gale (Venture Analytics)

Paul Gale (Venture Analytics)

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“I saw Mad Max once, and I’m pretty excited about it.”

Cameron Diaz (Actress)

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“Restrictions only forestall the inevitable inferno. All must burn in the terrible conflagration.”

​Mike Zhang​ (Sales Consultant)

​Mike Zhang​ (Sales Consultant)

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“I will die before I plant a succulent in my garden.”

Toby Avila (Periodontist)

Toby Avila (Periodontist)

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“Maybe they should punish the wildfires that use up all the water.”

Gary Townsend (Custodian)

Gary Townsend (Custodian)

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“Why should we have restrictions when, assuming there’s not some disqualifying ingredient I’m unaware of, we could use ocean water?”

Percy Gable (Aquatic Animal Trainer)

Percy Gable (Aquatic Animal Trainer)

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“​You ever see an orca perform in six inches of water​?​​”

Chuck Jefferson (Lawyer)

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“I worked too hard making a lawn grow in a climate it has absolutely no business being in.”

Kim Kardashian (Reality TV Star)

Kim Kardashian (Reality TV Star)

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“I’m thirsty.”

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