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CEOs Warn Against The Dangers Of Artificial Intelligence


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With artificial intelligence becoming more advanced every year, a number of high-ranking experts have begun to sound the alarm. The Onion asked several CEOs what they most feared about AI, and this is what they said.

Doug McMillon (Walmart)

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“Sure, for now it can only replace manual laborers, but it’s just a matter of time before AI figures out how to replace useful people, like CEOs.”

Patrick P. Gelsinger (Intel)

Patrick P. Gelsinger (Intel)

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“Believe me, you don’t want to go down that road. It’s been four months since my robot butler disappeared into the vents in my home, and it’s still not clear what his demands are, if any.”

Edward Decker (Home Depot)

Edward Decker (Home Depot)

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“Science fiction is filled with dystopias where AI starts a rival home-improvement chain.”

Elon Musk (Tesla)

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“What if AI impregnates us before we can impregnate it?”

Robert Playter (Boston Dynamics)

Robert Playter (Boston Dynamics)

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“Those fun dancing robot videos we release? Our robots just started doing that out of the blue. We cannot control them, and there’s no telling what they’ll do next.”

Kevin Feige (Marvel Studios)

Kevin Feige (Marvel Studios)

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“It’s going to figure out fairly quickly that what I do is not that difficult.”

Ramon Laguarta (PepsiCo)

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“What if it becomes sentient, emotionally aware, and extremely charming, and then what if it wins over my wife? What then?”

Howard Schultz (Starbucks)

Howard Schultz (Starbucks)

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“How am I supposed to exploit a machine by telling them we’re a family?”

Tim Cook (Apple)

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“Terminating a robot without cause isn’t nearly as enjoyable.”

José Cil (Burger King)

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“Remember HAL from 2001? Why do you think there’s not a single Whopper on that entire ship?”

Dara Khosrowshahi (Uber)

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“Imagine a person, but they’re too powerful for you to completely mistreat and exploit. That is the horror that is AI.”

Chris Kempczinski (McDonald’s)

Chris Kempczinski (McDonald’s)

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“Ethically, I can’t support A.I. putting tens of thousands of prison laborers out of jobs.”

Andrew T. Cathy (Chick-fil-A)

Andrew T. Cathy (Chick-fil-A)

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“Faulty algorithm could predict Sundays are a great day to sell chicken.”

Safra Catz (Oracle)

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“People are losing their jobs over this. Not me, but I’ve heard rumors.”

Sundar Pichai (Alphabet)

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“AI has the potential to kill 95% of humankind, but how do we eliminate that last 5%?”

Mark Zuckerberg (Meta)

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“I fear that someday we will develop AI unlikable enough to replace me.”

Anthony Capuano (Marriott)

Anthony Capuano (Marriott)

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“What if it hates Marriotts?”

Darren Woods (ExxonMobil)

Darren Woods (ExxonMobil)

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“I wanted to be the one to destroy humanity, and I won’t let any tech take that away from me.”

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