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Cincinnati Residents Take Solace After Loss In City’s Lack Of Culture, Terrible Food, Stupid Name, Boring Downtown

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CINCINNATI—Reacting surprisingly well to a heartbreaking Super Bowl loss against the Los Angeles Rams, Cincinnati residents announced plans Sunday to take solace in their city’s reliable lack of culture, terrible food, stupid name, boring downtown, high crime, dearth of any distinctive features, mediocre walkability, and everything else they’ve got going for them in the completely unremarkable town they’ve chosen to spend their lives in. “No need to gild the lily, we’ve still got everything we need right here in this gray hole where we eke out a bland existence,” said a chipper, forgettable Cincinnati resident with a generic Midwestern name like John Murray, adding that pretty soon it would be April, when they might have a chance at seeing the sun again. “Buck up, everyone! Sure, we didn’t win, but how can you dwell on something so superficial when you have access to everything this putrid wasteland has to offer, like no central character, a deficit of culture, and cold, empty concrete buildings instead of notable museums! Give that trophy to a town that needs it, like Los Angeles. I’ll choose Cincinnati any day of the week, with its poverty rate that’s almost twice the national average, its revolting chili, and a city skyline that is little more than a brownish hue indistinguishable from the rest of Ohio. How lucky are we!” At press time, Murray had reportedly been admitted to one of Cincinnati’s many mediocre hospitals after he was deemed a danger to himself.

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