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Doctors Suggest Treating Back Pain With Maybe Some Kind Of High-Tech Robot Back Thing


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ROCHESTER, MN—Indicating that an electronic spine-replacement device would drastically increase physical well-being if the technology does indeed exist, doctors at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic suggested Friday that their patients with back pain be treated with some kind of high-tech robot back thing. “It is our recommendation that anyone experiencing back problems seek out a sort of mechanized, futuristic spinal column, if such a thing is currently possible,” said neurosurgeon Russell Bates, explaining that back issues would probably be alleviated almost completely by using some type of quasi-exoskeleton, which could potentially render the user bulletproof and capable of flight in addition to diminished backaches. “I mean, it’s 2022. We are confident they’ve invented something like hyper-advanced prosthetic vertebrae made of exotic, cutting-edge materials that give users both reduced discomfort and super strength or something like that. Or maybe that’s still 100 years off. But either way, whoever gets that thing is going to see a huge quality-of-life improvement, I assume.” Bates went on to add that if the robot back didn’t exist, there was always fentanyl.

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