Wherefore art thou Richard St Bain? My dear trio, if only I could fuse you all into one. Love, Lust, London’s Ashley Mae reveals her 80/20 theory on how to find love
Every one is looking for their happily ever after, and in many cases this involves finding ‘the one’. For some this can be a life long quest and for others as easy as learning their ABCs.
The internet is overflowing with love gurus and relationship coaches, revealing the secrets we simply must know in order to harness the magic formula that will attract and keep the perfect partner.
But is there really a secret formula or specific roadmap on how to find love?
Not only are we surrounded by these ‘experts’ of love, but we’re also bombarded by dating apps that see us accepted or rejected with a just a swipe to the left or right.
Our dating profiles are censored to promote the very best version of ourselves, but must we really present such an altered perception, when we’re supposed to be looking for the person who will love us flaws and all? Can it not be as simple as sparks fly and the rest is history?
The games, the second-guessing and not telling people how you truly feel – this dance of mystery that surrounds a new relationship is exhausting! Living in an age of transparency and free speech, the notion of grappling with the question of who should text who first seems unnecessary to me.
does the perfect partner even exist?
The truth is, being your true, authentic self will NOT kill the mystery, because nobody is perfect, right?
Forget asking the universe for love and put down those manifestation books – the real question we should be asking ourselves is ‘does the perfect partner even exist?’
Most of us are looking for someone established, loyal, successful, independent, good looking, health and fitness savvy – oh and loving of course.
In my opinion the perfect person seems like a totally plausible find. But then again I’m still on my hunt for the perfect man to complete my happily ever after. I haven’t yet found my ‘Mr Big’ – although I call my version of the Sex and The City heartthrob, Mr Richard St Bain.
Why Richard St Bain, I hear you ask. He is named as such, after I merged together the names of my three past (and what I thought was perfect) loves.
So technically, I have found my ideal man, but in three different people. Does that count? If only I could glue them together, plant them and have them grow and merge into my dream man.
READ MORE: The Narcissist in my Bedroom
Perfection vs compromise
When asking my friends and colleagues (most of whom are professional Londoners – a tough and picky crowd) if the perfect partner exists, they believe that there is someone out there perfect for them.
Anyhow, I have pondered over a thought for a while now; ‘could it be a person’s differences, faults and unique qualities that complete us rather than their perfections?’
Could compromising on what we think makes the perfect partner be what truly makes us compatible? Is compromise the ‘secret’ to longevity in a relationship?
A healthy relationship will never be the crutch for something that is missing in your life. Instead, a relationship is what compliments your life and your journey together as partners.
healthy relationships come about when we are at our most vulnerable
We need to ride the wave of life with someone who is supportive through the many ups and downs, and provides you with the emotional safety required for a healthy and nurturing relationship.
I’ve come to notice that most healthy relationships come about when we are at our most vulnerable, revealing our imperfections and being accepted for who we truly are.
Many of us go through therapy and spiritual practices to clear the debris of past relationship traumas and childhood blocks, in the hopes we can clean the slate of imperfections before going into other relationships.
How I see it though is that these past experiences, enable us to exercise a fruitful and healthy relationship because upon reflection you realise that you learned something, there is a take-away, which only serves you well moving forward.
So how can we be looking for someone who is perfect when we all have a past? This is where compromising a very small percentage of your wants and needs may allow you to become more accepting and able to understand that previous relationships are the building blocks that lead you to better recognise what and who you need in life.
My 80/20 theory on how to find love…
In looking for perfection, you are only setting yourself up for continuous disappointment – trust the person who has been there and bought the T-Shirt multiple times over.
This is what has brought me to my 80/20 percent rule on how to find love.
What I mean by this, is finding someone who fits 80 percent of your core wants and needs. This includes your love language, values, life vision, your ideal lover and best friend.
The other 20 percent is what you haven’t been looking for – stick with me here, I’ll explain what I mean by this…
I want you to imagine you have found the funniest, sweetest and most generous soul that you can see a future with, however they aren’t as ambitious as you and this makes you reconsider them as your perfect partner.
But what if this difference is something you can learn from? A good way to see this, is to acknowledge that someone else’s flaws or differences may actually bring something new to your table.
what if this difference is something you can learn from?
Using ambition as the example again, you may come to realise that your high standards of ambition is what has you in a constant state of fight or flight mode and not be able to relax in the present moment.
This is why compromising on this particular expectation will in fact compliment you in your life as you may learn to spend more time in the present moment rather than focussing on your ambitions. Not only that, but your ambitious nature could also fuel ambition in your partner.
If we did find our perfect someone, we would never grow, improve and enrich our own self development. We tend to repeat cycles in relationships and attract similar partners, so it’s time to figure out a new approach and I think I have nailed the 80/20 theory if I do say so myself.
Now I need to get out there and try it out… I’ll let you know how I get on!
A final word
Life is challenging enough as it is, especially in a busy city where everyone is fighting for success. So why do we over complicate our relationships and their ideas? Why can’t we just be honest and open from the get go, put our cards on the table and try our luck?
No more poker face, no more masks, just throw yourself in and see what happens. Let loose, be wild.
Upon reflection of my experience, I realise that love is something that grows and is cultivated between people who want to give it a real try and don’t give up after the first few hurdles.
Not only that, but no matter how high you set your bar for love, life will deliver characters to test you, help you to grow and carve you into the person you will eventually become.
I’ve also realised, you cannot help who you fall for, although this could also depend heavily on the stage of life that you are at, how vulnerable you are and how much you are willing to compromise.
no matter how high you set your bar for love, life will deliver characters to test you
A genuine authentic bond is rare to find, it cannot be explained in words or described in actions it’s an innate feeling that is exclusive to you, but when you find it you will know.
I value each of my past loves who make up Mr Richard St Bain because although they weren’t what I now envisage for myself, they have served their purpose teaching me to look at the world differently and shown me the beauty of strong emotions, good and bad, that have enriched my existence and brought me to a whole new level of understanding what is truly right for me.
The journey to find love is as long as it is short, so be kind to everyone and don’t over look somebody who could be your once in a lifetime chance at happiness.
May you all find the right kind of your version of Richard St Bain, whoever that may be to you.