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Herschel Walker Brushes Up On Theoretical Physics, Linguistics To Formulate Ideal Conditions For Warnock Debate


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SAVANNAH, GA—Having not yet committed to participate in any of three scheduled debates with incumbent Georgia Sen. Raphael Warnock, GOP challenger Herschel Walker was reportedly brushing up on theoretical physics and linguistics Friday in order to formulate the ideal conditions for a contest with his rival. “I don’t want to leap into a debate without first ensuring that an optimized set of variables will apply, both in terms of the formal assumptions implicit in my opponent’s rhetorical constructions and in terms of how, at a subatomic level, the phenomenon of quantum entanglement will dictate the event’s proceedings,” Walker said before taking to a whiteboard to diagram computational neural networks that he described as part of an effort to establish a rough framework for a theory of verbal cognition that could, hypothetically, be used to predict Warnock’s debate tactics. “I just need time for a refresher on lexical-functional grammar so I can better understand how syntactical structure relates to the morphology and semantics of language development in human societies. Then I should be able to calculate all possible arguments and counterarguments that, when viewed through the discursive model within which we’re operating, could posit effective strategies for connecting with voters.” Walker added that he hadn’t gone this deeply into these topics since he made a name for himself in the 1980s as a particle physicist at CERN.

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