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Medical Student Totally Blanks On How To Solemnly Close Dead Patient’s Eyelids


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BOSTON—Suddenly unable to recall his years of prior training in the heat of the moment, medical student Edward Hernon confirmed Tuesday he had totally blanked on the proper procedure to solemnly close a dead patient’s eyelids. “Okay, we just recorded the time of death, and I know I’m supposed to somberly give this guy a dignified expression of eternal rest, but jeez, was it a pinching motion, or a flick, or do I just kind of knead the eyelids?” said the flustered 26-year-old, who desperately blinked his own eyes open and shut several times in hopes that it would jog his memory. “C’mon, quit popping open and stay closed, damn you! I’ve done this a million times in class on the training dummy, but my first dead body, and it all goes right out the window. Does it help if I roll the eyeballs upward maybe? Oof, no, that looks way worse. Surgical clamps would work here, but that doesn’t feel solemn enough, and I don’t think this is supposed to require a tool. Ah, man, his eyes are getting all dry and gummy. I’m definitely screwing this up. Okay, got the left one to stay mostly shut, right one still doesn’t want to budge, though, and—no, no, no, don’t rip!” At press time, Hernon was seen making a frantic last-ditch effort to revive the patient with a defibrillator.

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