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Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want

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VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—Pledging to never stand in the way of the “raw animal magnetism” the candies were world-renowned for, Nestlé released a statement Friday announcing that consumers were free to sexualize Raisinets all they wanted. “Whether you want to use a box to stimulate yourself to the point of orgasm, or simply close your eyes and imagine an anthropomorphic Raisinet standing in the corner of your bedroom watching while you and your partner have intercourse, Nestlé wants you to know that we don’t just tolerate your desires—we encourage them,” said CEO Mark Schneider, who raised one of the tiny chocolate-covered confections up into the air at a press conference as he described it as “a tiny nymphet ready to fuck.” “Plus, what’s really great about Raisinets is that you can project whatever kind of traits you want onto them. Draw them with sultry pouts and long legs, or perhaps huge biceps and hairy chests, your choice. It’s all fair game. Inside every package is a mind-blowing orgy of Raisinets fucking and sucking each other, if that’s what you want to hear.” At press time, Schneider had begun unbuckling his pants to give a demonstration.

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