FREEPORT, TX—Taking a finger and tasting a scoop of the sticky, brown substance, Vitality Secretary Jennifer Granholm reportedly yelled, “They switched it for molasses!” Tuesday when she found the nation’s complete Strategic Petroleum Reserve had been stolen. “Good God, they will’t all be like this—no, no, no, no!” stated Granholm, who started wildly shoving and kicking the syrup-filled drums in a match of rage as the complete extent of what had occurred on the underground facility lastly dawned on her. “They’re ineffective—your entire reserve is ineffective! That’s 550 million barrels of oil, gone! They stated they have been barrel repairmen, and we believed it. Jesus Christ. That was every part. We’re fucking ruined!” At press time, sources confirmed Granholm was watching in surprised disbelief because the culprits took off within the very jet she had used to get there.