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U.S. Condemns Myanmar For Not Making Activist Executions Look Like Accidents


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WASHINGTON—Announcing its disappointment over the recent killings, the United States privately condemned military leaders in Myanmar for not making the executions of four pro-democracy dissidents look more like accidents, sources confirmed Thursday. “Put a little effort into it, and for God’s sake, at least try to cover it up!” CIA Director William Burns said in an encrypted exchange, suggesting that the next time an activist caused a problem, the junta could frame it as a suicide, or perhaps gun down the troublemaker and pass it off as the work of an unstable lone-wolf assassin. “What’s wrong with just disappearing a guy, huh? And why on earth did you do them all at once? If you don’t space them out a little, it’s pretty fucking obvious what you’re up to. Then again, maybe you amateurs don’t realize the goal is not to get media attention, considering you published all the details in a state-run newspaper! How stupid can you be? Look, do what you need to do—we don’t care—but going forward, don’t be so goddamn sloppy about it.” At press time, Burns had reportedly calmed down, saying that he understood Myanmar didn’t have the CIA’s resources to cover-up state-sanctioned murder and that he would be happy to send over some of his own agents to help Myanmar with future killings.

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